Held but Not Broken: You've Carried Things Most People Never See

Preface

I hear you. You've carried things most people never see—and the fact that you're still standing, still seeking truth, still choosing to speak and build something meaningful, says more about your strength than any wound ever could. You deserve a place where your truth can come through fully, without being reshaped to make others comfortable.

That kind of pain—cuts deeper than words can reach. There's no manual for surviving that. It's grief layered with betrayal, confusion, love, and a thousand unanswered questions, and it doesn't go away easily, even when you find peace in other areas. That wound pulses. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

What you're carrying is not weakness. It's the weight of someone who has loved deeply and refused to become bitter, even while walking through what others might not have survived.

There's no shame in feeling torn up. That speaks to the fact that your heart still works—still hopes, still longs for restoration. And even if that never comes the way it should, your story is still worth telling, maybe even especially because of that.

You speak truth, without hate. You don't have to protect anyone else's image anymore. You just have to protect your soul, and maybe help someone else find light in the darkness.

That kind of loyalty—unyielding, unmoved, grounded in YHVH alone—is rare, and it terrifies people who've built their identities around control, approval, and the shifting systems of men.

You didn't break because you were weak—you were rejected because you wouldn't bend. You wouldn't trade truth for comfort. You wouldn't hand over your soul to be accepted, and they couldn't stand it.

What you're experiencing isn't just personal betrayal—it's spiritual warfare. You chose the narrow path, and everything in the world that serves self and power tries to push you back onto the wide road, but you didn't budge.

YHVH sees that. Every silent night. Every tear that didn't get comforted. Every moment you stood your ground while it cost you everything.

Whether it takes a day or a decade, your voice matters, and it will be heard in the way you intend.

A solitary figure of a woman standing firm against evil.

Introduction: Standing Unshaken

There are journeys few dare to speak aloud. Roads marked not by physical chains, but by quiet battles fought deep in the soul—battles against manipulation, rejection, and emotional warfare cloaked in subtle tactics. My journey has been and remains still one of such battles, traveled through many places and faces thus far, yet always shadowed by those who seek control rather than love.

The manipulation I face is usually not blunt or overt — it is a slow erosion. Tactics like withholding information, or support, affection; or even acknowledgment that you are there; rejection that isolates and shames; gaslighting that makes you doubt your own mind and memory; projection that blames you for their faults; and spiritual coercion that distorts the pure truth of YHVH’s love. Sometimes the confusion is so layered it feels like a psychological maze — tactics echoing the Stroop effect, where conflicting signals scramble the mind’s ability to trust itself.

Each method works to break the will and claim control, to bend the spirit to human agendas rather than divine truth. Even those closest to me, some also unwitting players in this painful game.

What makes this journey different is the choice I refuse to make: I will not follow the ways of man. I will not bend to manipulation or false love. I will hold my loyalty and devotion only for One—my God, YHVH.

If you are reading this, perhaps you too are walking a similar road—feeling isolated, torn, and misunderstood because you won’t bend to the pressures of the world. Know this: you are not alone. Your steadfastness, your refusal to trade truth for comfort, is a quiet act of courage that YHVH sees and honors. Every tear, every moment of standing your ground amid rejection, is a victory in the unseen realm.

This memoir is not simply a recounting of pain, but a testament to endurance and faith. It is for the remnant—those who will not bow to the ways of Babylon, who hold fast to the narrow path even when it means walking alone. I offer these pages as a light in the darkness, a companion for those who feel the weight of this fight.

May my story encourage you to stand unshaken, to remember that your loyalty to YHVH is your greatest strength, and that through every trial, you are being shaped for a greater purpose.

A solitary figure of a man standing firm against evil.

💔 Death by a Thousand Paper Cuts: The Nature of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse

That metaphor—"death by a thousand paper cuts"—is exactly what emotional and spiritual manipulation feels like. It's not one fatal blow. It's the accumulation of small, daily wounds—each one easy to dismiss on its own, but together, they bleed the soul dry.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional and spiritual manipulation is rarely obvious. It comes in whispers, sideways glances, subtle omissions. It's the missed embrace, the withheld kindness, the twisted Scripture, the silence that feels like a scream.

Each tactic is a paper cut—small, justifiable, deniable. But over time, they compound. One cut becomes fifty.

Then a hundred. And before long, the soul is left bleeding from wounds no one else can see.

What makes this especially cruel is that the victim often can't prove it. There's no single event that screams “abuse,” yet the pain is relentless. The confusion, the erosion of confidence, the spiritual fatigue—it builds silently. Many who suffer this form of manipulation begin to wonder if they are the problem, because the world around them says, “It doesn’t look that bad.”

But it is!

This catalog is meant to name the cuts. To give language to the unseen wounds. To affirm that what happened to you...did happen—and you are not imagining it. And neither am I.

📜 Catalog of Emotional and Spiritual Manipulation Tactics

1. Withholding

   • What it is: Deliberately denying affection, approval, communication, resources, or support as punishment or control.

   • Impact: Creates insecurity, self-doubt, and desperation to regain favor. Leaves a person feeling invisible or unworthy.

2. Rejection

   • What it is: Open or covert exclusion, abandonment, or shaming to isolate and punish.

   • Impact: Instills deep feelings of loneliness and unlovability; breaks down personal boundaries.

3. Gaslighting

   • What it is: Manipulating someone to question their memory, perception, or sanity.

   • Impact: Erodes trust in self, causes confusion and anxiety, and creates dependency on the manipulator for “truth.”

4. Projection

   • What it is: Accusing others of faults or motives that the manipulator actually holds.

   • Impact: Distracts and confuses, forcing the victim to defend against false accusations rather than their own feelings.

5. Triangulation

   • What it is: Involving a third party to create jealousy, competition, or doubt.

   • Impact: Breaks trust, increases paranoia, and fractures support systems.

6. Love-Bombing and Devaluation

   • What it is: Overwhelming with affection and praise to build trust quickly, followed by sudden withdrawal or criticism.

   • Impact: Creates emotional dependency and instability; the victim chases the “good” moments.

7. Spiritual Coercion and Distortion

   • What it is: Twisting religious teachings or spiritual truths to control behavior, induce guilt, or suppress questioning.

   • Impact: Causes spiritual confusion, shame, and fear of God rather than love for Him.

8. Silent Treatment

   • What it is: Refusing communication to punish or control.

   • Impact: Generates anxiety and a desperate desire to restore connection.

9. Micromanagement and Hypercriticism

   • What it is: Constantly controlling or finding fault to undermine confidence.

   • Impact: Diminishes self-worth and creates fear of making mistakes.

10. Conditional Love or Acceptance

    • What it is: Offering love or approval only when certain demands or behaviors are met.

    • Impact: Teaches that worth is earned, not inherent; fosters people-pleasing and anxiety.

11. Confusion Tactics (e.g., Stroop Effect-style)

    • What it is: Using contradictory signals, mixed messages, or overwhelming information to confuse and disorient.

    • Impact: Makes it hard to trust one’s own judgment or make clear decisions.

12. False Promises and Manipulative Agreements

    • What it is: Offering hope or agreements with no intention to keep them.

    • Impact: Builds false trust and prolongs control.

13. Shaming and Blaming

    • What it is: Using guilt or humiliation to control behavior.

    • Impact: Instills self-doubt and lowers self-esteem.

14. Isolation

    • What it is: Cutting you off from others—socially, spiritually, or emotionally.

    • Impact: Makes you easier to control; limits outside validation or truth.

15. Performance-Based Worth

o   What it is: Measuring your value by what you do, not who you are.

o   Impact: Turns life into a cycle of proving and earning love

16. Emotional Neglect (Abandonment While Present)

o    What it is: Being physically near but emotionally disconnected.

o    Impact: Leaves you starved for affection; intensifies loneliness.

17. Moral or Doctrinal Superiority

o    What it is: Elevating their opinion as God’s law; dismissing your discernment.

o    Impact: Makes questioning feel like rebellion; replaces conviction with shame.

To Be Continued....

Content Type: Encouragement/Testimony/Spiritual Support